Three years ago today I was due with my first baby. I had already been receiving those texts: Are you walking enough? Have you tried spicy food? Bounce on the ball! For at least two weeks. And, had already been on maternity leave for a week. It was hard to not wake up that day anticipating. This was my first baby, I didn’t know any better than to cling to the due date as baby day. But, little did I know September 26th 2014 that I would have nine very long days before baby. And, that three years later I would be so thankful for the extra time.
Today, exactly three years from my very first due date I am sharing
Why I’m glad I Missed My Due Date: a mommy’s open letter of struggling to let go.
Any mom knows no matter how hard you try at the end of the pregnancy you get impatient. You’re SO READY to meet that little one. And even more ready to be done. To sit up with ease, find a little more comfort in the time you actually get to sleep, and to get your body “back”. But, it didn’t dawn on me until we were approaching the second birthday, that I’m so glad he was a little…a lot late.
Now, we are approaching this boy’s third birthday. This time last year I felt like he was so big. I thought with 1 turning to 2 my baby would be a baby no more. But, I look at all he’s learned in the past year. The way his vocabulary has exploded. The potty training. The counting. The dressing himself. And, his one of a kind personality. And, my mommy (mom, this baby already calls me plain old mom) heart is breaking. This sweet human came into the world at a tiny 6 lbs 2 oz. And, now there is really no baby left.
I am a mom who loves the baby stage. My happy place is with a tiny squish sleeping on my chest. Getting high on that sweet baby head smell. I say at least once a week that I would be so content always having a baby around. The cuddliness of new babies is the sole reason I am a mom to begin with.
While, I truly love to watch this boy grow. He is handsome. Kind. And, so smart. My heart bursts with pride with every new accomplishment.
But, as he grows older he becomes more independent. He needs me less and less. I’m not ready to stop being his number one thing in life.
Three years ago today all I could think of is how I’d give anything to finally hold this baby. And, today I’m clinging to these nine days, that were once the longest, so that I can hold this baby just a little longer.
I know one day I’ll look back at his graduation or wedding and give anything to back with his three year old self. But, today three seems like such a leap from two. Like he’s officially jumping into the big boy world.
My heart isnt ready to let go of him calling for mommy as soon as he wakes up. Those sweet dimply little hands. Or the way he still gladly gives me slobbery kisses on demand. My heart isn’t ready for him to count past 13, no matter how much we encourage it. I’m not ready to put him down for the last time and not pick him back up.
Today on his due date I would give anything to hold that skinny little newbie again. To just stare at him while he sleeps stretched out like a superhero. To hear him say I love you again for the first time in real life, not just a memory.
Truth be told, I think I’m the mom who will always feel the sting of her babies growing another year older. Because, time moves too fast when it comes to your babies growing up.
I’m writing this out as the formerly most impatient over due mom. September 26 to October 5th were the longest days I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’ve never cried more than I did in those nine days. And, I know Mama, no encouraging words take away the pregnancy pains or the readiness to just see that sweet little face. But,I promise, one day very soon you will be wishing for time to just slow down.