One of my first posts, the one that really cemented my dream of having a blog, was a post about being okay with the extra snuggles at bedtime my co-sleeper needed.

Fast forward three years, and I’m there with my second 11 month old co-sleeper and I am feeling the exact opposite!

Proof that you never truly have this Mommin’ thing figured out.

My first son started to warm up to his bed around 9 months. He would stay asleep if I put him down. And, even had fallen asleep once on his own. My second son was a really good independent sleeper as a new baby. By a month old he was sleeping from 8 pm until 1 am. I would give anything for that now. But, as with my first I would fall asleep nursing him in bed. Until he became a co-sleeper,

I justified it as he was older baby because he would sleep in his bed for a couple hours to begin with. ‘As long as he knows what it’s like to sleep in his bed, he’ll make it longer and longer.’ Nope. Exact opposite. We are in the I lay him down, move away, unlatch him and he wakes up mad situation.

I find myself so frustrated some nights. Mad in the moment even. Why don’t you just sleep. You’re tired. You’re not hungry. You don’t need me as a pacifier you don’t even like real pacifiers! I’ll decide in the exhaustion to just let him cry for a bit in his crib. I’ll huff into bed and shut my eyes tight. But, my body fights against me because neither one of us can fall asleep like that.

I storm back into his bedroom. Cause a baby will respond well to a grown tantrum, insert eye roll. Lay down. And, within 10 seconds of latching on his eyes are closed and his body has relaxed into mine.

Granted, he sleeps well in our bed. He doesn’t wake up crying. And, sometimes is even in his own space. The arrangement works. I work early mornings so we need the 5.5 – 6 hours that come with him in bed. But, the sleeping stigma and jealousy’s still sneak into my brain.

The knowing eventually this won’t work.

Babies should be sleeping through the night by now.

The comparisons.

The annoyance of a crowded bed. And, pain of a teether constantly attached to you.

I share this to say all babies are different. Your mindset changes. You don’t always have it all figured out.

M is awesome during the day. A super independent player. Killer eater. And, in the beginning stages of day weaning. As the second baby he doesn’t receive much uninterrupted mom time. (Neither of my children do. Always a mom New Years res, huh?) It’s not that surprising that he just wants to be with Mama when he sleeps.

Not to mention, with two kiddos the need for sleep and the desire to willingly bring on rough nights, by sleep training, are at a constant battle. But, 9 out of 10 need for sleep will win. As much as it annoys me in my crowded out-touched sleepy state that he has no progress in crib sleeping, I want to be awake fighting a mad sleepy baby even less.

Going into this second baby thing I figured with the realizations I had with E’s gentle sleep training that I was set. I had worked through that Mommin’ issue. I wrote a blog post for goodness sakes. And, while I do still support that sentimental lovey feeling. I also wanna say it’s okay to not feel okay. Every baby, every day is different. Raising humans isn’t an exact science. Or, a step by step process to good adults. Not even a little. It’s listening to your baby and yourself with a sprinkle of Mom blogs (wink wink) for support. It’s doing what works best for your family so your child is fed, happy/content, and well loved.

And, right now for M and my family, that means a crowded queen size bed and me as the human pacifier.

For a couple more months.