It was late. Almost 9 pm. My darling one year old still wide-eyed and babbling. I began feeling restless.
Frustrated. ‘Why does my baby not sleep?!’
‘He will never sleep!‘
As I let out a loud huff a small, sweet hand softly grabbed my cheek. A pair of big, beautiful, blue eyes with eyelashes-for-days stared at me in complete admiration. A single tear rolled down my cheek. Followed by another. My heart burst. And, broke at the same time.
I was reminded of something that is so easy to forget as a mom. Moms spend their time wrapped up in taking care of everything. We try to make this crazy life be all put together. Fretting over things that are often out of our control, or not worth the worry. But, with a simple touch I was reminded of why I wanted to be a mommy, this is what I always wanted. I dreamed of having my baby so in love with me, because I am their everything. My heart longed for a child, to cuddle and kiss. I wanted so badly to be a mommy for these moments.
In all my years of waiting for my dream to come true, I never longed for the frustration I put on myself. I never dreamed of the hard moments we all feel. But, I longed so badly for a baby to smother with love. Moments like this, where my little one’s only care in the world is me. Showing me that he loves me unconditionally. And, that I’m all he needs to feel safe in this world.
I get these moments every night. For fourteen months I have been sleeping with my personal baby doll snuggled up beside me in bed. He always feels safe and content. Unaware of anything that would be more important than this. But, I had lost sight of that. The dream I pictured of being a mommy was lost in the chaos of daily life. Instead of embracing my dream come true, I let my mind, my life, get taken over by the “should bes”.
Baby should be sleeping through the night.
Baby should be in his own bed.
The house should be spotless.
I should not be feeling so overwhelmed!
My poor sanity was running low. In that moment, with my first born, my dream, silently reminding me how great this life is. My dream of snuggling began to feel like a burden, when all I could see is what I wasn’t accomplishing. My heart broke, when I realized how backwards I was feeling.
I never want my baby to feel less than truly, madly, 100% adored because for years, long before I met him, he was all I wanted. And, here I am squandering this beautiful opportunity with frustration. This little one that my heart ached for is telling me that I am his everything. And, he wants me to be there. But, I never realized it. All that was on my mind was fitting my individual baby into the Pinterest tips and Facebook ideals.
I stopped my mind. I soaked up that moment. Tattooed the feeling of his little hands on my face. And, memorized the loving look on his face. Then, prayed. Prayed that I will always parent him with love. I know life will get harder than not being asleep by the time babies are supposed to be asleep. Someday there will be talking back, missing assignments, and poor choices. But, this human, Easton Lane, is in this world because of a heart that was overflowing with love to give. I know in this moment I am his everything. I know one day I won’t be. But, he will always be mine.
One day I know this will be a distant memory. I know one day I will only remember that sweet hand on my face. And long for that again. Today is just one day, mommy. No matter the stresses. But, that innocent love of a toddler wrapped up in admiration of their mommy, is a feeling every mom wishes would last forever!